Today I have a lot on my mind. As you know, my mom is 85 and I just got done visiting her. I'm already sad that when she passes that I will miss her dearly, though I am so grateful for the time that I have been able to spend with her and for the healing of our relationship. I guess that's what I really need to focus on...all the good things!!!
The other burden is my gallstones. They seem to be getting worse and you know that I don't really want to have surgery and besides I have no insurance. I am trying everything that I know to do alternatively and I guess that I should be grateful that I haven't had to have it taken out since I discovered the stones over 30 years ago!
The other thing on my mind is once again my boyfriend. How am I ever going to trust him again. I want to forgive him for his lies and infidelity but I don't know if I can completely do that. I know resentment is like poison to our relationship and that I have been truly sitting on the fence. Should I stay or should I go? Most people would think that I was crazy to have been staying this long. He does have good qualities, he holds my hand, he has a calming influence on me and doesn't get upset by things that most people would. His concern for me is real and I feel safe and protected. I don't have to work a 9 to 5 job and that has left me time to pursue other interests. I truly did love him. I really need to make a decision one way or the other but it seems every time I choose to stay, his past behavior keeps me from trusting. Now what???
Please ease my heart from sadness about losing my last parent, my dear mother. Please direct my heart toward forgiveness to my boyfriend and that my hurts and pains are healed, as are his, so that we may move forward in a loving, kind and supportive relationship. Please dissolve all resentment and mistrust this day and every day. I ask for a healing for my gallbladder.
Direct my life according to your will. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What would I do without you in my life!
Insights:
What a setup that was!! :)
Lesson for me: Focus on the good things.
Flip side: I don't have to forget but I must forgive.
This was in my inbox this morning!
Make Me Sweet Again
Make me sweet again,
fragrant and fresh and wild,
and thankful for any small gesture.
Rumi.....
No comments:
Post a Comment